


No Refunds

by animehead



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 18:56:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/576555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/animehead/pseuds/animehead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When it comes to art, Dirk finds that everyone is a critic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Refunds

You stare down at one of the three traditional drawings you have in front of you. You prefer digital art, but you think you’ve done a fairly decent job. 

You feel someone peering over your shoulder, but you don’t bother turning around to see who it is. There’s only one person you know who wears body spray that smells like cinnamon rolls and other various baked goods. 

“What you got there, Di- Oh my god!”

“Oh, hey, Jane.”

“Hey, Jane,” Jane repeats. “Is that all you have to say for yourself?!”

You catch a whiff of another scent, this time something fruity mixed with liquor, maybe rum? Vodka? You could never tell the difference. You’re not much of a drinker. 

“What is it?” Roxy asks. “What’s wrong? I want to see!” She leans heavily on your shoulder and gives her full attention to the first of your three part art sequence. 

“Oh my gosh,” she says, laughing and burying her face against your shoulder. “That’s fantastic! Those look just like Janey’s bloobies.” She laughs again. “I mean boobies.”

Jane covers her chest self-consciously and glares down at you. “Have you been looking at me naked, Dirk?” 

“Once or twice,” you say. “No big deal.”

Her eyes widen and you snicker. “I’m joking, Jane. Calm down.”

“Why did you even draw this?” She demands to know. “I thought you were into guys.”

“Into _one_ guy,” Roxy adds. “Am I right? Know what I mean, Dirk.” She nudges your arm with her elbow and you can’t help but laugh. 

She’s such a ridiculous drunk. 

“Speaking of,” Jane begins. “Where is Jake, anyway? Does _he_ know you’re drawing pictures of your friends naked? What do you think he’d have to say about that?”

“I don’t know,” you say. “Let’s ask him.” You bend to the side, peering beneath the table. “Jake, how do you feel about—”

“Oh my god!” Jane shouts. 

“I’m _kidding_ ,” you say, amused by Jane’s frantic flailing. “He’s not really down there.” You continue to stare down at the picture. Roxy said it looked good and you’re inclined to agree with her, but still… “What do you think, Jane?” You ask her. 

“About what?” She answers. 

“About the picture. How does it look?”

“Inappropriate.”

You frown. “I don’t know. I think maybe we need a second opinion. Hey, Eq.”

You hear an annoyed sigh from three feet away from you. When you turn around, Equius is staring at you, pretending to be irritated, but you know that’s just an act. The two of you are really good friends. 

He has his hair pulled back, but there are still long, wet, strands sticking to his damp forehead and cheeks. You keep telling him to see a doctor about that sweating, but he never listens to you. 

“What is it, Strider?”

“What do you think about this picture?” You ask him, holding up the paper to reveal a drawing of Roxy and Jane, both equally naked and in a very compromising position. 

Equius’ mouth falls open and he stares, eyes wide and comical, as he tries to figure out what to say. 

You think you can actually see beads of sweat forming on his face. 

“I… Um… Oh my…” He tugs at the collar of his shirt, which is almost as damp as his hair. “I don’t… It’s incredibly lewd. Excuse me.” He bolts out of the room and you know exactly where he’s going.

“Will you please explain to me why you even drew this?” Jane says and snatches the drawing out of your hand. 

“It was a commission,” you say. 

“A commission from who?” Jane asks you. 

“Classified.”

“Damn it, Dirk.” Jane slams the drawing down against the table. “Tell me. Was it Equius?”

You snort. 

Jane blushes slightly. “Maybe it was Dave?” 

She sounds hopeful and you think that’s pretty fucking adorable, but also mildly pathetic. “Dave wouldn’t know what to do with a picture like this.”

“And what exactly would one _do_ with a picture like this?” Jane asks. 

You smirk and are seconds away from simulating a guy jerking off, but Roxy beats you to it. 

You both laugh like idiots. 

Jane doesn’t appreciate it. 

“You two are ridiculous. Let’s go, Roxy.” Jane grabs onto Roxy’s arm and starts to pull her away. 

“Aww, but Janey,” she whines. 

“No,” Jane says and jerks Roxy forward, forcing her toward the door. “We’ll talk later about this, Dirk. And you will tell me who commissioned that picture.”

“It was Gamzee,” you call to her just as she steps out of the door. 

“That’s not even remotely funny,” she yells back. 

You’re left alone in the room. Jane and Roxy are gone and Equius has yet to return. You knock on the surface of the table with your fist. “All clear.”

“Thank, god,” Jake says and pokes his head out from beneath the table. 

You slide your chair back far enough from him to climb out from under the table. 

“I’m am _never_ doing that again.” 

You’re about to reply, but a familiar voice calls your name and storms up behind you. 

“Where are they?”

“Right here.” You hand the owner of that voice the three drawings. 

“What the fuck is this shit?!” Caliborn screams at you. 

“It’s what you asked for,” you say. 

“What the fuck is tender about this, you piece of shit? What is this? Why are they naked? What the fuck is the pink bitch doing with her tongue… Ugh!”

“Hey, don’t call Roxy a bitch!” Jake shouts.

“Shut up!” Caliborn shouts back. “I’ll call that idiot drunk a pink bitch all I want. I don’t care how premium she is. “I’m not paying you for this filth.”

“You already paid me, dude, remember?”

Caliborn growls and shoves his arm out in front of you, fingers extended, palm flat. “Then I want my money back.”

“No refunds.”

“Fuck you, Dirk, and your perverted rotten garbage!” He angrily, but _carefully_ , slides the drawings into his folder. “I’m never doing business with you again,” he says before storming out of the room. 

“I think something is seriously wrong with him,” Jake says, frowning over at the empty doorway. 

“Something is wrong with all of us, English,” you say. “Except me. I’m perfect.”

Jake rolls his eyes and heads toward the door. “You’re so full of yourself, Strider.”

“I’d rather be full of you.”

“That can possibly be arranged, old chum” Jake says. 

You drape your arm across Jake’s shoulder and ignore the two shocked cries coming from the boys’ bathroom. 

You wonder when Equius and Caliborn will learn that it’s much easier to pretend to be sick and masturbate in the nurse’s bathroom like the rest of the guys.  



End file.
